The waters around exchanging the children for parenting time can be muddy and turbulent. When parents are able to navigate these waters successfully, the children thrive and learn valuable lessons about handling difficult situations.
Parents who are able to focus on what’s best for the children find ways to facilitate parenting time exchanges cordially. Ideally, one parent will come to the front door of the other parent’s home to pick up and drop off the children and their things.
When the parents maintain a friendly, or at least civil, relationship with each other, they approach these parenting time exchanges as they would with a friend or co-worker. They ring the doorbell or knock, wait for the door to be answered, only enter the house if invited, and limit conversation to non-controversial subjects. The exchanges will happen without drama and everyone wins, especially the children.
But what about when parents are NOT able to get along; when they cannot hide their conflict from the children during parenting exchanges?
Many high-conflict parents do their parenting time exchanges at a public place like a fast food restaurant. I’m sure you’ve seen them; they are not hard to spot. Everyone looks uncomfortable, especially the children. Some parents even opt for exchanges in the parking lot of the police station. I do not recommend either of these approaches. They are very hard on the children and provide them with a poor model for conflict resolution skills.
When two parents cannot get along, it is best if there is no contact between parents during the pick-up or drop-off. Some parents handle this by parking at the street, driveway, or parking lot of the other parent’s home and letting the children walk from the home to the car or vice-versa. However, I don’t like this option either, because it is more evident to the children that their parents aren’t able to get along.
An ideal scenario that eliminates both contact and conflict is if the parenting exchanges take place at school or daycare. Your parenting plan might say: Parenting time will begin on ____ afternoon with pick-up from school or daycare, and will end on ____ when the children are dropped off at school or daycare. A specific time or range of times can be added if necessary.
These times are natural breaks in the children’s day and they are not likely to view this kind of exchange as an indication that their parents are not able to be nice to each other. The parents won’t have contact with each other, but the children will not view the lack of contact as out of the ordinary.
When thinking about how to handle parenting time exchanges between parents, keep in mind that your solution might be sending unintended messages to your children. The more natural the setting for these exchanges, the happier your children will be.
© 2009, Mary Wollard, J.D., Family Solutions Center, LLC
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Tags: Divorce, Exchanges, Navigating, Parenting, Troubled, Waters
Ruben Valencia